It has been a while. But life got in the way.
You see, the thing is, I’ve got myself an apartment. I signed the contract today and my set moving date is July 1st.
I’ve thought about this, thrown it around in my head back and forth but now I’ve finally done it. It’s a new chapter in my life and I’m taking a new step into the unknown.
I’m excited but also slightly terrified. This is very new to me. I’ve had this on my mind a long time, and now it’s becoming reality.
Hope it goes well
Funny how life can take you from one situation to another.
Today my friend sent me a message saying “Hey. Serious question. How would you feel about going backpacking to Thailand in January?”
Obviously, being the wanderlust that i am, I had no doubt in my mind that I’m going. Think I would pass up an offer like this? Nah!
I know people will always try to convince you to stay home with all those “what if”-questions but sometimes you just have to do it. You just need to make it happen.
So if everything goes smoothly, it’s happening in January.
I graduate tomorrow. I’m getting my second degree. I had my doubts over time but I did it. I’m now gonna have two qualifications.
I graduated last year too. But this time, the future after is unclear. Last year when I graduated, I knew I would go a 4th year to complete my chef’s degree but this time, I don’t know what is gonna happen after summer. And that’s kind of terrifying, to be honest.
I have gone through education for 13 years now. For all those years, I’ve had a familiar routine for every day, always the same holidays and schedules to follow. This time there will be none of that.
And I know a lot of people who have already done this. Who are used to it by now and have been able to start their own lives already. So I guess its my turn. But there are just so many fears and thoughts bombarding my head at the moment. Cause it is scary. Not knowing what is ahead. And maybe I’m not supposed to know. Maybe it turns out okay. I wish I could stop thinking about it and just see what happens. But it’s difficult.
But even if I’ve had these thoughts, I have convinced myself that I am gonna be okay. I have made it through a lot so why not this too. At least that’s what I’m going for.
I don’t really know what to call this post. Is “thoughts on mental illness” something similar too cliche? We’ll see if that will be the title when I finish writing this.
Let’s try to get to the point that I was actually gonna talk about..
My attitude about myself and my self-image has changed so much from when I was 15-16. I was the most insecure, anxious kid and it didn’t really help that I was unfortunate enough to catch a pretty deep clinical depression and I was tall and awkward.
I still am a lot of these things. What’s changed is that I don’t let these features control me anymore. It took me 5 years but I did it. People think I’m all better now but I don’t think that these kind of things ever really leave a person. You just learn to control it. And yes, much easier said than done.
Anxiety seems to be a really popular subject nowadays for some reason. I’ve dealt with it and can easily tell you that it’s not the most simple of things to have if you actually have it.
I think most people confuse anxiety with nervousness which are two totally different things. While nervousness is common for happening before some important moment which causes your hands to shake or stuttering only in that moment regardless of the outcome – anxiety on the other hand is like a lifelong enemy trying to, with all of it’s might, make you mentally break down when you least expect it. It can also have you overthinking a situation that’s either about to happen or has happened, to very extreme length. My anxiety still gets the best of me sometimes though and I would get rid of it in an instant if I could.
But what I’ve learned to do over time, and I’m so glad I have, is that I don’t feel the need to adjust myself anymore to please others opinion on me, like I used to be obsessed with. Cause that kind of mentality is exhausting and it usually doesn’t end up good at all. So now at 20 years of age, I’ve finally started thinking that I’m done trying to fit in a mold made by someone else. From now on I’m just myself and it’s a take or leave – situation and it’s quite freeing actually
(In this post I pay all the respect to all the families that were affected by the attack)
The news from Tuesday about the Manchester-attack during an Ariana Grande concert really got to me and I spent the majority of the day thinking about it. It got to me especially because there were so many children in the audience. It will never make sense to me how someone can even think the thought of such a grusome attack and put lives at risk of children who will very likely be traumatised by this for the rest of their lives.
What a sick, twisted fuck you have to be to do that.
I can’t even imagine how it must feel to have such a tragedy happen in your hometown. It also really warmed my heart to see how the people came together and were so helpful. Taxidrivers, security-staff, ambulances, hotels offering shelter, people opening up their homes. Some who dares claim that they have no faith in humanity after that, just needs to shut it because this was as humble and human as it can get. It is really heartwarming to see that people have such care for others in this world and that they are willing to help.
Once again all the love and respect for the families affected by this horrible act
Take care of yourselves ❤
Been a while again but I’ve needed time to think.. The last post I’ve made was really depressing but I needed to vent.
I’ve gone through a tough time lately. I’ve been overthinking and constantly thought that I need to continue to study. But it has got too much and I have decided to pass. I haven’t been able to focus on anything 100% and all of May has felt like a mess. And stress is the last thing I need right now so I’m giving myself a break and stop worrying.
So I’m gonna take a year off. Work. Earn my own money, think about what I want to do, travel and just enjoy life for a change and not just forcefully push through.
I’m done feeling anxious and stressed constantly. I feel like this equals being nice to myself which I haven’t been in a while.
But you can always start
I don’t know how to write about this subject. It’s way too late for me to even be awake right now but I can’t sleep. There’s a million things on my mind and I feel like I’m standing on the edge of a really tall building with heavy bricks on my shoulder.
So I wrote a letter.
Depression, you and me, we go way back. You are like an abusive, love/hate-relationship going round in a circle, that I can’t escape. Yet hardly anyone knows about us. Sometimes I think I am past you, that you are gone forever. But then you show up out of the blue and you infect my mind with your toxic thoughts and you live off of ruthlessly watching me sink in to the ground.
All I want to know is.. Why? Why do you feel the need to do this? Am I that bad of a person that you let this go on for 6 years? What did I do? How did this happen? I can’t remember..
I have sacrificed a huge chunk of my life for you. I have given up friends, opportunities – you have even tried to take my life. What is it that you could still possibly want?
If I could get a restraining order against you, I would do it in an instant.
The bravest thing I’ve ever done was to tell someone. To get help. To try to ease the pain you caused me at least a little bit. And it took its time but I managed to get rid of you for a while.
But someone like you always comes back. You are more manipulative than anything in the world. You make me someone I don’t want to be. And whenever you’re around, I don’t feel like myself. I forget who I am. And in the most cruel way you let me feel happiness for a moment, and then ruthlessly take it away and knock me down again.
Yet, I am still here. Every rock you throw at me, builds up a shield around me slow and steady. And some day I hope to see you fall. You don’t deserve me. You don’t own me. And I know I can be free some day.
Til that I am gonna run against the stream. No matter how bruised, scarred or beaten. I can’t let you win and I wont.