life

In Loving Memory

Hello world.

As I have mentioned a few times earlier this month, my grandma had something very wrong with her lungs and was taken to the hospital. I tended to update here about that once in a while.

Yesterday she passed away.

The news came so suddenly and it was and still is, ever so heartbreaking to know that my best friend, rolemodel and one the greatest people I know, is gone.

Although I spent the entire evening and night, grieveing over the worst possible news I have ever gotten – I couldn’t be more happy over what an amazing relationship she and I had and that the last time I saw her, I had the chance to hold her hands, hug her and tell her I loved her. And I still do. That will never change.

I have never been especially religious, but if there is a heaven, it most definitely gained an angel. And if that’s the case, I hope she watches over me. However it is, I know she’ll always be with me.

Love you, Grandma ❤ I’ll never forget you

life

Here’s to a new year

Hello world

Long time no see. It is 3.30 in the morning over here because I’m still awake thanks to little friend called caffeine. Probably shouldln’t have had some by 8 pm.

This blog has been rather dead but that’s mostly cause the Christmas and New Years time is usually family time so hopefully that is understandable.

2016 is really close and at the same time it feels unreal that it has gone by so fast. A lot has happened this year and I am quite proud actually. Hoping that 2016 will be a good one too.

I will also be turning 19 in January aswell which is rather odd in a way too because that means I’ll be 20 in a year.. phew. Still another year til that but as I’ve learned over the years – time goes freaking fast.

But before we start worrying about that, let’s welcome 2016 first. I’ll see you next year 🙂 and enjoy what’s left of this one

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depression · life

I have to vent…

Hello world

I got to be honest with you. I am fucking  shattered right now and I don’t wanna bring you down on purpose, it being the holidays and all, so before you continue I warn you that the following is gonna be some real depressing stuff so don’t say I didn’t warn you if it ruins your day. You’re here at your own risk.

My grandma’s breathing has gone worse and she was moved to a survaillance section. I went to see her and she had a breathing mask on and was hooked to all these tubes and… it was just awful. It just really got to me because I’ve lived in the same house with her all my life – and now, she’s not gonna be home on christmas. Which is just so heartbreaking as it can possibly get. I know I am probably sharing too much right now but she is like half of my life and now it’s like there’s a huge chunk missing and I can’t adjust to it. I can almost feel my 5 year long depression, that I’ve only recently managed to get rid of, coming back and just breaking me down to the very bottom again. If the dreaded thing will happen then.. then I am not gonna be myself for a very long time, I’ll tell you that much. I am almost starting to pray to a god that I don’t believe in.

Because yes. Sometimes I hate life. So fucking much. The way it has me constantly thinking life will possibly get better, and then out of nowhere, it stabs me in the back with shit like this. It’s not fair..and it hasn’t been in a long time.

If I’m lucky I’ll be able to at least fake a smile or two tomorrow. Or even get out of bed for that matter. My motivation for everything is quite low right now so if my blog is empty for quite some time now then you’re gonna have to excuse me. Not like anyone reads this stupid thing of mine anyway..

Either way, I’m sorry if I’ve ruined your holiday spirit right now but I really wanna wish whoever that reads this right now, merry christmas and take care ❤
and I’ll see you in 2016 if not otherwise

life

18.12.2015 | Update

Hello world

School is over, my room is all done decorated for christmas and now I’m headed off to work.

I feel quite okay actually. And really excited for christmas and just spend time with my family. To just enjoy myself and shut out all stress. Hopefully I can do that. And all of you aswell 🙂

Have a good day!

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life

Taking a little break

Hello world

So I have to be honest with you. I am stressed out of my mind right now. My day consists of overthinking, being nervous, even a little sad, break down here and there and wake up to a new day only to have all of this repeat itself. And I’ve decided that enough is enough. I am gonna do what I have left to do here at school, see some friends and go home to have a calm christmas with my family. Shut out from reality a while and let myself relax. Because my system needs it. Badly.

Therefore this blog may be a little dead during what is left of this month. I will update though between the chaos that is my daily schedule but I will try. Because many people have taken the time to actually read this little mess of mine so I wont shut down completely but I will go easy on myself because there’s stress enough as it is. But I get my christmasbreak in a week so I’ll keep pushing til that.

Have a good day everyone 🙂

life

Hoping for the best

Hello world

I’m in class right now, taking notes and all that. But in all honesty Id just like to get out of here. The worst thing happened yesterday and now I’m doing my best to not think too much about it.

I don’t know how much I should share but last night an ambulance came for my grandma. As I know they can help her, I am still anxious about it. Which is perfectly normal in this case, I guess. But I hope with all my heart that she will be okay.

Alright, all of you have a good day

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