Hello world I was thinking of calling it a day slightly earlier today but here I am, writing this instead of sleeping… *cricket noise*
I have always loved writing journals for as long as I can remember and that’s what swept me away from the thought that I really should get myself some sleep. But I suppose writing in an actual journal isn’t so bad – its more the fact that I’m procrastinating sleep that is the issue here, haha
As someone with a very long history of depression, anxiety issues and more “fun” stuff like that, writing my thoughts down in a journal is really comforting. As I am unfortunately blessed with the gift of overthinking things, writing them down calms me down pretty well.
Plus my current one, has the best cover that any of my journals have had in a while
Alright I’m gonna actually go sleep now. Good night world!
I spent a night in hospital two nights ago and now I’m on a 2 week sick leave. Which I don’t really have a problem with. Only downside is that I’m not allowed to drive but surely I can survive that too.
I was told to take it easy and that’s what I’ve been doing. Which is actually good for me as I have been stressing too much lately. This is not a setback, its just a break from reality.
As for now, it is 11.58 a.m and in order to feel a bit productive, I started to clean my room. So now I don’t need to feel like this day has gone to complete waste.
Alright I’m gonna go continue now. Have a good day!
Last time I wrote, I did not end up in hospital. But I have a new appointment on Monday, tomorrow at 10.30 so we’ll see how that ends up. I guess you could say that I now only have one eye because after some eye drops were inserted, that numbed my eyes for examination, I only have clear vision in my right eye. The other is completely blurry. But I am prepared to go through the same process as last year to get this fixed.
I also canceled my workshift for today as I cant really see myself working with just one eye and the constant flickering in the left eye that gives me headaches. So maybe I better wait with that.
Otherwise everythings pretty good. Just hoping that this is not gonna become a yearly thing. Kind of sick of being a temporary cyclops, haha
You know, I could say that I am sitting here having a casual night, listening to spotify, fairylights on while writing this post. And I am. But there’s also this agonizing stress and anxiety that I feel right now that I really didn’t ask for.
Last year, in September, I got an inflammation in both of my optic nerves and I became over 50% blind. It has been little over a year now and it’s returned to one of my eyes. I have an appointment to the doctors tomorrow morning at 8.30 and I would be lying to you if I said that I wasn’t terrified..
I am also really scared to end up in the hospital ward because every time I’ve been there, I’ve felt really trapped. But for now guess I’ll find out tomorrow. Ugh, I feel so vulnerable right now..
Okay, I’m gonna try to not stress over this too much now.
My 10 day break from school starts tomorrow. I feel exhausted from all the stress and 6.15 mornings lately that have messed with my mind. I know getting up at 6.15 (or earlier) is no match for some people, and I salute whoever manages to do that effortlessly. But I, personally, can’t do it. I used to be a morning person as a kid but it seems to have faded. Just my luck, haha.
So my mornings mostly consist of me pretty much forcing myself out of my bed (after having pressed snooze for about 4 times..)
But in all seriousness I am getting a little tired of everything at the moment. I have studied at the same school/college, in the same town, for about 4 years now. And now it’s getting to the point where the same routine has started to exhaust me. I feel a very strong need to broaden my horizons and see something new out over the same old things.
My motivation is very low so I have tried my best to not give up during the time I have felt like this, which is quite a while now. And it’s obviously not healthy. I am very aware of that, but right now, there’s really not much I can do about it. So I’m at that point where I’m getting very close to a long and slow uphill which could either make or break me. It sounds very dramatic but its the only way I can describe it.But I feel determined even if there are times I’d just like to say ‘fuck it’.
But hopefully I can stay focused enough to complete what I have started.
It’s been a while. But as I mentioned I would have a small blog break because I wasn’t feeling like I had inspiration nor motivation to write. I must admit I am still a bit off track with that (way to be depressing, Rebecka) but I am still living in the hopes that I can go back to feeling like I can just write away again. That would be so great because it is ridiculously distressing when it doesn’t seem to be as simple as before. I don’t know if that makes any sense but anyway.
It is currently 23.36 (or 11.36 pm) and I have yet another early morning tomorrow. I have been staying up too late during these previous couple of nights and I don’t really know why. I have been trying to cut down on stress lately and clearing my schedule more but I guess it all has piled on from before. But luckily we have something called syysloma (or in english it translates to autumn break) coming up in a couple of weeks so I’m hoping I wont be having too much to do then. At least I have nothing planned.
Okay, maybe I should finally get it together and go sleep and end this painfully boring update.