life · Uncategorized

the dangerous loop.

Hello world.

Blogging for me sometimes, turns pressuring. Not that I would have any reason of saying this because I am probably not considered an ”official” blogger because I don’t have a large following.

But this blog was never about that.This is and has always been my online-diary. And it always will be. Sometimes though, it feels like I have to just post dozens of quantity-posts instead of writing out of inspiration. I never wanted it to come to that, and I never thought it would.

Lately I have, in my usual spontaneous way, posted away as I would normally do but it has felt forced most of the time. I’ve thought too much about wherther ย it is worth posting or not. I never wanted that to happen, and ironically here I am… I’ve lost count on how many posts I’ve deleted lately because of this unknown pressure.
I have no idea why I do this. I guess I am subconsciously comparing myself to others, which is so dumb. I am nearly 20 and I should have no reason to do that. I shouldn’t still be thinking like the self-conscious 17 year old that created this blog in order to get away from thinking like that. Either I haven’t changed as much since then that I’d like to admit or I am just doomed to a continuous loop of stress, anxiety and doubt. Great..

Hopefully now that I have vented this into cyberspace, the dark cloud above me could start to dissolve. We’ll see how that goes. Cause I just wanna feel okay again.

Alright, I am gonna stop this weird depressing post now.

Have a good day!


Back From The Edge

(shamelessly promoting my current favourite song in the title, but also cause it is metaphorically correct)

Hello world

Was father’s day today. So I’ve spent my day at my grandparent’s house and I had a really nice time. There was take out pizza and cake so perhaps not the most typical father’s day meal but who’s complaining really? ๐Ÿ™‚ A very successful father’s day I’d say at least

Tomorrow I return back to school after the 3 weeks of sick leave I’ve had and I would be lying if I said I’m not quite nervous about it. I feel a little rusty and I’m a little afraid that it’s gonna take me a long time to get back into the routine. Because when I got my condition for the second time, I feel like my life kind of stopped and for this time I’ve been off, it’s felt like a weird purgatory-state. And I’ve definitely realized that what I do, is pretty freaking stressful, and that was a big reason to why I ended up with a bad eye. So I am prepared that at some point, I am maybe gonna have to reconsider what I wanna do for a living. 

But til that happens, I am gonna change my stressful ways and stop planning/thinking so much about the future, cause if I keep doing that, I am never gonna be able to enjoy anything properly. 

Okay, time for me to stop venting and go to sleep. Good night, world!


Treatment done โœ”

Hello world & Good morning

It is 8.19. My 3 days of treatment are officially over. It was quite the rollercoaster. Because the amount of medication I got, I have spent most of my time in massive headaches. But now it’s wearing off and I am so relieved. I still got one more week of sick leave coming up but I decided I am not gonna let that bring me down, even though it was close to doing so. I just don’t feel like thinking about anything too much right now, cause in all reality, I just wanna get better.

Alright, I’m gonna go try having some breakfast, as I have not had the best of apetites these last couple of days. But now I am just really feeling like having some.

Have a good day!


Hospital Diaries 1/3

Hello world

Here I am at the hospital. Familiar place by now. Its quite okay actually since I know this treatment works. I got to do this 3 days in a row. Luckily I don’t need to stay over the night which is a huge bonus.

So now I just have to sit here for about 2 hours and kill time somehow. But hey, at least they gave me a juice box

Sorry for the awful photo. 

Have a good day!