I don’t know how to write about this subject. It’s way too late for me to even be awake right now but I can’t sleep. There’s a million things on my mind and I feel like I’m standing on the edge of a really tall building with heavy bricks on my shoulder.
So I wrote a letter.
Depression, you and me, we go way back. You are like an abusive, love/hate-relationship going round in a circle, that I can’t escape. Yet hardly anyone knows about us. Sometimes I think I am past you, that you are gone forever. But then you show up out of the blue and you infect my mind with your toxic thoughts and you live off of ruthlessly watching me sink in to the ground.
All I want to know is.. Why? Why do you feel the need to do this? Am I that bad of a person that you let this go on for 6 years? What did I do? How did this happen? I can’t remember..
I have sacrificed a huge chunk of my life for you. I have given up friends, opportunities – you have even tried to take my life. What is it that you could still possibly want?
If I could get a restraining order against you, I would do it in an instant.
The bravest thing I’ve ever done was to tell someone. To get help. To try to ease the pain you caused me at least a little bit. And it took its time but I managed to get rid of you for a while.
But someone like you always comes back. You are more manipulative than anything in the world. You make me someone I don’t want to be. And whenever you’re around, I don’t feel like myself. I forget who I am. And in the most cruel way you let me feel happiness for a moment, and then ruthlessly take it away and knock me down again.
Yet, I am still here. Every rock you throw at me, builds up a shield around me slow and steady. And some day I hope to see you fall. You don’t deserve me. You don’t own me. And I know I can be free some day.
Til that I am gonna run against the stream. No matter how bruised, scarred or beaten. I can’t let you win and I wont.